On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
