WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
