While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
