I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
