i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
