i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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