at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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