That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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