I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
