im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
