So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
