I could make wine with my vomit
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
