I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.