No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
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