those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
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Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????