I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.