just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked