I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
oh god was she eating orange peels again
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance