My underwear smells like fireworks.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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