areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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