you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
