He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
