How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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