I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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