This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
