Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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