Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
