There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
