had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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