Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
