he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The air was thick with penises
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
