everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
