So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
