Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
