I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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