Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
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At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
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When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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