About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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