i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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