Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
