I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
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Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
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I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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