Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
