apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
