I could make wine with my vomit
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
