I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
