Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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