God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You took a bar mat shot.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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