ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
