Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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