About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
