turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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