haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
