He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
