i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
