glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize