I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
