I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
