I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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