New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
