i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
