I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
