hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
