The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
