life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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